


a million little battles (that i'm never gonna win)

by readtheroomfucko



Category: Dead To Me (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/F, Pining, bdsm undertones?, i love both of them so much, nobody makes good choices when they're on vacation, sorry for all the angst, the car crash never happened
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:35:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24498055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/readtheroomfucko/pseuds/readtheroomfucko
Summary: It should have been the break she desperately needed — just her, Judy, the boys, and one week in paradise. When it came to Jen's life, nothing was ever that simple.
Relationships: Judy Hale/Jen Harding
Comments: 49
Kudos: 197





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> all credit goes to my partner in crime hayley for betaing the shit out of this

“I’m serious, Jen!” Judy sputtered out between fits of laughter, “We need a vacation. _You_ need a vacation.”

It would be an understatement to say that Judy had gotten comfortable in Jen’s presence. It was almost laughable to think that the woman who Jen had once despised was now splayed out across the couch in her back yard, her head resting in the blonde’s lap, a bottle of Jen’s wine balanced precariously between her jean-clad thighs.

“ _I_ need a vacation? What’s that supposed to mean?” Jen narrowed her eyes in mock offence. Anyone with eyes could see that Jen was still living in a state of near constant turmoil. The past had a nasty way of hanging around.

“Just that you need to unwind a little,” the brunette shrugged, “It’s all over now. We can be — I don’t know — normal people?”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the two of us?” she gestured vaguely between them, “We’re not normal people. And you might want to slow down on the wine because Henry has Holy Harmonies practice in the morning and I have to bring Charlie to his dentist appointment.”

The idea that things could go back to normal after everything that had happened bothered Jen in a way she couldn’t quite put into words. Normal was coming home from work to find the boys in the living room watching something R-rated on Netflix while Ted was up to God knows what in the guest house. Normal was another petty argument with Lorna over the state of the housing market in Laguna and how she’d forgotten to wish Ted’s cousin a happy birthday last year.

Normal was Jen’s gradual, almost imperceptible decline from the bright-eyed young mom with two beautiful sons, a loving husband, and a brand new house in _California_ of all places to someone who felt like a stand-in for herself most of the time. It was like someone had plucked that angsty, love-starved adolescent out of Brooklyn and shoved her into a life that didn’t belong to her. She felt insecure, she felt alone, and most of all she felt angry. Maybe some small part of her was hoping that if she screamed loud enough somebody would hear her and finally understand everything she was too afraid to say, but at the end of the day, Jen was angry and she didn’t know why. That was Jen and that was normal.

Of course, losing Ted had only made things that much worse. She was still furious and terrified more often than not — barely keeping a lid on things for the boys’ sake. Undeniably, things were easier back then. Her life was blissfully free of hastily planned funerals and all of the secrets she'd have to take to her grave, but there was one thing that didn’t sit right with her. Judy wasn’t a part of Jen’s normal. Even admitting it to herself caused guilt to settle deep in her stomach, but Jen wasn’t so sure she wanted to go back to normal anymore. The thought terrified her, and, as always, she didn’t know why.

Judy hummed, an easy smile gracing her lips, “Well we could be. In Cancún. All inclusive, take a week off work — how amazing would it be to just relax for a while? I’d pay, obviously.”

Jen sunk into the thick cushions of the outdoor couch and averted her attention to the glass of chardonnay in her hand. Things were finally on the upswing at work — even Lorna had complimented Jen’s latest sale — but could she really afford to take a week off? She’d never considered herself an impulsive person, but the combination of the wine and the the reflection of the waning sunlight glimmering in her friend’s eyes was enough to make her hesitate.

“I’ll drive Henry tomorrow. I was planning on heading over to the farmer’s market anyway. That lettuce we got from Pavilions last week was —“

“Disgusting.” Jen finished, earning a gag from the brunette. She took another sip of her wine and steeled herself. “Fine,” she replied simply.

“Fine?” Judy repeated, her eyes widening comically, “Is that a... yes?”

“Yes,” Jen sighed, downing the rest of her glass and setting it down, “Yes, it’s a yes.”

“Yes!” Judy shrieked, pulling herself upright to throw her arms around Jen’s shoulders, “Oh my God, we can get those tacky tourist shirts and —“

“Slow down, Judy.”

“No,” her lips curled into a satisfied smirk, “Let me enjoy this.”

Jen rolled her eyes, “Alright. We’ll get T-shirts from the airport and a couple of those dumb plastic cups with the built-in straws if that’s going to make you happy.”

Judy grinned then and it was so painfully genuine that Jen was reminded of her last conversation with Perez. _This_ was why people loved Judy. How could they not? 

“It would make me _very_ happy.”

* * *

Jen was awake, packed, and pacing around the living room by 6:30am sharp.

“I’m not fucking around here. Running shoes. Sandals. Toiletries. Clothes for a week — more underwear than you think you need, Henry. Sunglasses. Socks. Did Judy check your bags? Judy, did you —“

Right on cue, a very flustered Judy Hale came careering around the corner, her purse slung haphazardly over one shoulder and a pair of cat-eye sunglasses perched on her nose. “I checked Henry’s. He forgot a bathing suit so I just grabbed a couple out of his dresser,” she turned to Henry, her tone softening, “The red shorts, right? And the camo?”

Henry frowned, “The camo shorts don’t fit anymore. Mom bought them when I was like _eight._ "

“Well, we haven’t been on vacation since you were _like eight_ , so Mom’s going to buy you a new pair when we get there, okay? Just as long as we get in this —“ Catching her foot on the corner of Charlie’s suitcase, she stumbled into the wall.

“Shit, Jen, are you okay?” Judy gasped.

“Just as long,” Jen repeated with a grimace, “As we get in this _fucking cab_. They’re fucking ruthless around here. Five minutes late and we’ll have to drive up ourselves and pay for parking.”

“Well, I could pay for parking.”

“That’s not the point.”

Charlie crossed his arms. “Well then what _is_ the point, because I still don’t get why you had to wake us up at five for a flight that leaves at noon. Judy’s over there looking like she’s about to have a fucking panic attack —“

“Charlie,” Jen warned.

“Sorry Judy.”

“It’s okay.”

“Judy was kind enough to plan and, lest we forget, _pay_ for this wonderful vacation, so the least we can do to show our gratitude is get there on time. For once.”

Henry dropped his suitcase and ran to Judy, wrapping his arms around her waist and burying his face in her stomach. “Thank you Judy!”

Jen could barely contain the joy that washed over her as she watched Judy tousle his hair before slipping back into ‘let’s get out the door’ mode and instructing him to make sure he didn’t forget to unplug and pack his Nintendo.

“Remember not to put it in your suitcase, honey!” she called after him, “If you want it on the plane, it has to be in your backpack.”

“So,” Charlie drawled, “No offence, Judy, but I thought you were broke. Like, homeless broke.”

“Well I was!” Judy hesitated. “Circumstances changed a bit, uh, you know how sometimes you’re sleeping in your car and then you realize you _do_ have some money but you can’t exactly get to the money and it’s all very annoying and —“ she cut herself off, “I can swing this, so I’m doing it. I wanted us all to get to spend some time together. I know this past little while has been hard for you and Henry.”

“I’m glad things are going better for you now,” Charlie started carefully, the sincerity in his voice surprising Jen, “And you know we all like having you around —“

“Really?”

“Yeah. Mom and Henry love you and, uh, I guess like, so do I, but I was just wondering why you haven’t gotten your own place? Or one with Michelle?”

“Michelle and I — well, we’re not at the moving in stage.”

“Oh, so you’re just talking.”

“Talking?”

“Well first you’re talking which includes, uh, you know, then maybe you’re dating, then she’s your girlfriend, then you —“

“Oh my God,” Judy cackled, “Is _t_ _hat_ modern dating? Michelle is my girlfriend, but I’m happy here with you guys. Although I would be _much_ happier in that cab.”

“Alright, thanks for getting us hip with the teen lingo, Char,” Jen interjected, “But we _really_ need to go.”

* * *

“What the fuck do you mean it’s overbooked? We have a cab waiting for us in Cancún at 6 and an 8pm reservation at Lorenzillo’s, so I don’t care if you have to throw a few kids in the luggage compartment, we’re getting on that fucking plane.”

“I’m very sorry, ma’am. The next flight will be departing in three hours, but I’ll see what I can do. Can I ask for your booking number?”

“I don’t have the tickets on me,” Jen replied tersely, digging her nails into her palm, “but they should be under Judy Ann Hale.”

The gate agent typed quickly, glancing up at Jen with barely contained annoyance. “Four seats, Ms. Hale?” she confirmed.

Just as Jen was about to reply, Judy came dashing up behind her. “Ms. Hale,” She paused to catch her breath, “That’s me. I’m really sorry, we’re all just a little stressed because we’d _absolutely_ volunteer to be bumped, but we’re in a bit of a hurry and —“

“You have reservations tonight.”

“ _Yes_ , exactly.”

“Well, as I told your friend, it’s an unfortunate situation, but it’s above me.”

Jen watched as something in Judy’s expression shifted. “It _is_ an unfortunate situation, because as an Executive Platinum member, if my family doesn’t get on this flight I’ll have to switch airlines.” She slid a gleaming black card out of her wallet and placed it on the counter in front of them.

“We have four seats available in first class.”

“Jesus, Judy,” Jen whispered, “Since when?”

“Steve,” Judy mouthed, “They didn’t cut the card.”

“What?”

“It’s Steve’s! I co-signed on the company card for TKA Arts — obviously I didn’t know it was a front at the time. It’s not active anymore, but it _was_ up until a few months ago.”

“Uh, what’s going on?” Charlie interrupted.

“They upgraded us to first class!” Judy announced, beaming. “Go tell Henry he gets his own bed on the plane.”

* * *

After an hour that felt more like a century thanks to the boys' sleep-deprived moodiness, they’d successfully checked in, dropped off their bags, and reached their dinner destination.

Lorenzillo's was a lobster joint Jen had found on a late night deep dive into TripAdvisor. She figured Judy would appreciate that the lobsters were both ethically and locally sourced and, really, this dinner was the only proper thank you Jen could manage to pull off with Judy hovering over her shoulder with her chequebook and incessant protests of, “I’ve got that covered, don’t worry about it,” and, “This was my treat, remember?”

“Jen!” Judy beamed. “This place is like a little slice of heaven. How did you manage to get a reservation on such short notice?”

She shrugged, “Pulled a couple strings. It was nothing, really.”

It was not, in fact, nothing, but Judy didn’t have to know that. Jen had spent fifteen minutes on the phone practically begging for a table before finally shelling out an embarrassing amount of money to get their names to the top of the list in the event of a cancellation.

The look of awe on Judy’s face as she stared up at the thatched roof of the restaurant was so over the top that Jen found herself letting out a sharp laugh despite her best efforts. “You look like you’ve never seen a palapa before.”

“I haven’t! Steve and his family used to vacation in Mexico, but I never got an invite. I was the fiancée, not the wife, as Eileen used to say.”

“Well, looks like your dreams have finally come true. The boys and I may not be your ideal romantic getaway crowd, but we _can_ offer,” she picked up a menu, skimming over its contents, “A _shit_ ton of lobster and a margarita.”

Judy kicked Jen under the table and gestured with her head to where a cheerful looking waitress was awaiting their order. _Ah, shit_.

“Welcome to Lorenzillo’s, I’m Anna and I’ll be your server this evening. Can I get you started with some drinks?”

“Absolutely,” Jen replied, surprised at her own enthusiasm. She wasn’t known for her sunny disposition, but something about the sound of the ocean, the warm evening air, and her present company had her feeling lighter than she had in years. “These boys will have —"

“Una cerveza por favor,” Charlie requested with an innocent smile.

Rather than give him the third degree at the dinner table, she decided to let it slide. They were on vacation, after all.

“A virgin piña colada for this one,” she pointed to Henry, “ _U_ _na cerveza_ for that one, and two margaritas, please. Make those doubles.”

“Doubles,” Judy winked, “I like how you think, Harding.”

As was becoming routine for the newly merged Harding-Hale household, they hadn’t made it past the appetizers before the other shoe dropped.

“Hey, Char. You haven’t said anything since we ordered. What’s up?”

He took a sip of his beer, sending a pointed glance in Judy’s direction before replying. “Nothing. Probably just jet-lag or whatever. I think I might just walk back to the hotel if that’s cool.”

“You took the Dukoral Judy gave you last week, right? It’s for traveller’s diarrhea and _trust me_ , you don’t want to be taking your chances with that.”

“Ew, Mom,” He scrunched up his face in disgust. “I’m not gonna shit myself, I just need to lie down for a bit.”

Jen sighed. “That’s fine, honey. Just text me when you get back in safe. And use the bottled water by the sink when you brush your teeth.”

“Yep. Traveller’s diarrhea. Got it. Loud and clear.”

Jen fought the urge to insist on walking him back. Their resort was only two blocks from the restaurant and he was seventeen years old now, for Christ sake, but she still felt that need to be there at all times making sure he was okay. It was one of those things that never seemed to go away. One day you’re holding your baby in your arms for the first time and he’s so small you wonder if you held him too tight he might disappear. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted and you’re thinking about all of the outlets in the house that need to be covered — how the corners of the kitchen island need to be baby-proofed, and how if anybody ever tried to hurt him it would be the last thing they did. Then, in the blink of an eye, he’s not your little baby anymore. Jen let him go, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong and she wished more than anything that they could go back to the days when he would come to her about every scraped knee and schoolyard fight.

“I don’t eat meat!” Judy protested, reaching out with the menu to tap her on the shoulder.

“It’s _not_ meat, Judy. It’s lobster.”

“It’s a crust station!” Henry grinned, “We’re learning about them in school.”

“A crustacean, Henry?” Judy corrected, biting her lip to keep from laughing.

“Yeah! They have five legs and two of them are big legs with claws, see!” He pointed to the lobster on his plate. “Two big ones! And they don’t care if you eat them because they don’t have brains like we do.”

“Alright buddy,” Judy conceded, turning to Jen with a conspiratorial smile before returning her attention to Henry, “I’ll eat it, but only because you’re so smart.”

“Mrs. Wright says I’m the best at science in the whole class,” He related, beaming with pride.

“Well I think that deserves a celebration, don’t you, Jen?”

“I think _somebody_ might get to pick whatever he wants off the desert menu tonight.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, Boop. Knock yourself out. A little birdie told me they have some _awesome_ fudge cake here.”

For the second time that day, Jen was reminded of how completely intertwined her and Judy’s lives had become. She couldn’t imagine any of her previous friends — though admittedly, after college she hadn’t had many — being so happy to spend time with her family. Loving Jen’s sons as if they were her own. Come to think of it, she couldn’t even picture a boyfriend stepping up the way Judy had.

As they finished their drinks and Henry went to town on his slice of cake, she idly wondered if Michelle wanted children. She wondered if, in a couple years, she’d have to plan her visits with Judy weeks in advance as she navigated life as a new parent. Surely, she would be happy for her — nobody deserved a family more than Judy did — but it was a sad thought all the same that someday Judy would have her own family and she might not need Jen’s anymore. The twist in her stomach felt a lot like jealousy, but when it came to Judy and their friendship, Jen was often at a loss for how to describe the things she felt.

“Jen?” Judy’s soft voice interrupted her thoughts. “You okay over there?”

“Oh! All good,” she collected herself quickly, “Just got a little lost in thought there. White noise machines really don’t do the sound of the ocean justice, do they? I’ve never been so relaxed.”

“Tell me about it,” she drawled, letting her head fall back, “Imagine that from our bedroom tonight. You’d better set an alarm or I’ll sleep the whole week away.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that. I gave Charlie a key card to our room in case of emergencies, but you better believe if we sleep in past eight this little dude,” she stuck her tongue out at Henry, “Is gonna come wake us up.”

He looked up from his cake, his mouth now covered in chocolate. “There’s so much to do! Me and Charlie are gonna go snorkelling and see how many fish we can find.”

“Ah, but you gotta be careful for the jellyfish,” Judy reminded him.

“Jellyfish aren’t fish, Judy,” he giggled, “They’re like corals and amanemonies.”

“Anemon —“ She started, earning a ‘seriously?’ look from Jen, “ _Amanemonies_ can sting you too. Be safe out there, kiddo.”

He raised his chocolate-stained hand in a sharp salute, “Promise.”

* * *

“Goodnight, Boop. I love you.” Jen ran her fingers through her son’s hair, lightly scratching him behind the ear.

“Night, Mom,” his sleepy voice replied.

She made her way to Charlie then, who was still awake and listening to music on his phone. He rolled his eyes and pulled out an earbud, “What?”

“Well, I _was_ just going to say goodnight, but now I have some questions.”

“Whatever.”

“What’s going on with you tonight?”

“Nothing’s going on with me. If you really want to know why I’m pissed, it’s because Judy’s clearly trying to pay Henry and I off to trust her.”

“What do you mean, honey?”

“My car? Christopher told me you weren’t working with him anymore, so I know you didn’t have the money to buy it. Don’t lie to me, Mom.”

Jen let out a trapped breath, “You’re right. Judy bought you that car.”

“The car, the vacation. What else?”

“I’m telling you this because I promised no more lies and I think you’re old enough to hear it. When I was struggling to pay the mortgage, I tried to sell our house —“

“Mom!”

“Let me finish, Charlie. Your father and I bought that house, but Lorna helped out financially and her name was on the deed, which means that I didn’t fully own our home. Judy bought her out and now it’s _our_ house.”

“Do you not see why I’m worried? Why would she do any of that? If she’s suddenly got all this fucking money, she could have bought her _own_ house. She could have taken _Michelle_ on a vacation. She drives a shitbox but goes out and buys me a brand new car. It doesn’t make sense.”

Jen struggled to formulate an appropriate response. She’d been just as shocked when she’d walked into the guest house and listened to Judy explain her plan to get Jen sole ownership of the property. It was Jen who’d put her foot down and told Judy that she’d be making her a joint owner with equal shares and right of survivorship.

“You can ask her for yourself, hun, but I can tell you right now that Judy isn’t trying to _pay you off_. Everyone shows their love in different ways and I think that your car and this vacation were Judy’s way of showing you boys how much she cares about you.”

Charlie was silent for a few moments before finally settling with a noncommittal, “I’ll think about it.”

“Is that all?” she asked, praying the answer would be yes.

“I’m worried about Henry,” he admitted. “After she left that time he was,” he sucked in a breath, “He was so upset he used to ask me if he could sleep in my bed. It was like how it was after Dad... you know. When she leaves again it’s going to hurt him even more and I fucking _hate_ that.”

“Oh,” She replied weakly.

“Do you not worry about that?” he asked, his tone genuine.

“Yeah,” she admitted, “I do.”

“Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For being honest for once. I can handle it, you know?”

“I know you can. It’s hard for me sometimes,” she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, resenting the stubborn tears that were beginning to well, “It’s hard for me not to see you as my little boy, still.”

“Oh Jesus, Mom!”

“I’m sorry,” she chuckled, wiping a stray tear from her cheek, “But honestly. I am so proud of the man you’re becoming — from now on, no more big secrets, okay? That means you too. I want us to be able to talk like this."

He unplugged the earbuds from his phone and set it down on the nightstand, pulling the blankets over him, “Okay. Night, Mom.”

“Night, Char.”

When she returned to the room, she was met with the sound of running water and Judy humming to herself. She’d noticed that particular habit the first time they’d shared a room at the grief retreat. With anyone else, it might have annoyed her, but with Judy it was almost sweet. There were moments where she’d look at Judy and see a quiet desperation in her eyes that terrified her, but then there were moments like this that made her question whether she’d made the rest up in her head. Of course both were Judy, but it was nice to see her so carefree. Even if that involved singing in the shower.

After changing into her pyjamas, she ventured out onto the patio for a cigarette. She trusted Judy — trusted her more completely than she’d ever trusted anyone, really. She wasn’t naïve enough to think that Judy would never lie to her, but this was a different type of trust. For all of their differences, and of course there were many, she _understood_ Judy. She trusted that Judy — always the pacifist, always on the verge of drowning in misplaced guilt — would never intentionally hurt her or her family.

She didn’t doubt the woman’s sincerity when it came to Charlie and Henry, or her for that matter, but she was afraid of what would happen when Judy left. What had once been an idle worry now felt like a pressing matter. Mornings without their playful kitchen banter as she nursed a coffee and made a performative display of helping Judy with breakfast before inevitably having her hand slapped away from the spatula. Sure, her monthly wine budget would decrease substantially, but watching Facts of Life alone with a glass of shiraz sounded more depressing than anything. She didn’t want to adapt to a life without Judy in it. It was only a matter of time now; an inevitability that she was going to have to learn to accept.

“Pathetic.” she muttered, exhaling a final puff of smoke and stomping out her cigarette, “Get a hold of yourself.”

Judy was notorious for her long showers, and by the time she was out, Jen was already in bed with the latest self-help book she’d gotten from Friends of Heaven in hand.

“You’ve _got_ to smell this new perfume I bought at the duty free,” Judy enthused, adjusting the tie on her bathrobe before making her way over to Jen.

“Wearing perfume to bed now are we? I think money’s changed you, Jude.”

“Oh shut up!” she laughed, “Smell me. Seriously, Jen. It’s heavenly.”

She leaned down, pushing her damp hair out of the way to give Jen access to her neck. Tentatively, Jen placed a hand on her shoulder to bring her closer and inhaled.

“What is that? It suits you.”

Judy pulled away, grinning. “Estee Lauder Rose de Grasse d'Or,” she replied in an exaggerated French accent, “You really think so?”

Currently, it was all Jen could smell, and all she could think about was Judy’s stupidly soft skin, what fucking moisturizer she used, and why the _fuck_ she cared.

“Yip. Very earthy.” She slid her reading glasses down her nose and tried in vain to focus on the book in front of her.

“I have an idea for tomorrow night,” Judy singsonged, prompting Jen to reluctantly return her book to the nightstand along with her glasses.

“And what is tha —“ she turned her head just in time to see Judy drop her robe and promptly threw herself gracelessly onto her right side facing the patio door, “Sorry.”

All she’d seen was the curve of Judy’s shoulder and maybe the top of a breast — she hadn’t seen _anything_ , really. Would it have mattered if she had? They were best friends, for Christ sake. She could feel a flush creeping up her cheeks and an awful, childish mortification that made her want to curl up into a ball and disappear.

Before she could piece together a coherent thought, Judy was laughing loud and unbridled. “Jesus, same parts, remember? I don’t care. It’s not like I would’ve thought you were perving on me or something.”

“Well, yeah,” her voice came out weaker than intended, “Not really my cup of tea.”

“You sure know how to make a girl feel special. Geez, I’m not _that_ repulsive am I?”

In another unwise decision, she turned again, this time getting a full view of a very topless Judy Hale standing with a raised eyebrow in only her pyjama shorts. “Oh my God, how long does it take you to put your fucking clothes on?”

Judy smirked and tugged on a matching silk tank top. “You know, we’re really going to have to get past this fear of changing in front of eachother if we’re going to have that _epic_ pillow fight I had planned for our first night as roomies.”

Jen gave her a stern look. “For the record, if you’re repulsive, so’s fuckin’ Beyoncé. I mean,” she gestured vaguely at the woman in front of her, “Look at you.”

“And look at you!” she grinned.

“I’d rather not.”

“I keep telling you you should love yourself more, Jen. You’re so beautiful.”

“Gross.” she forced a grimace, but really the compliment felt different this time. The idea of Judy seeing her at all made her more nervous than she had any reason to be. “So what was your idea for tomorrow night?”

“Oh!” She bounced on her heels, “There’s a nightclub about four blocks from here. I was thinking we could check it out. You know, get a little crazy?”

Now _that_ was a plan Jen could get behind. 


	2. Chapter 2

“Okay, Charlie’s agreed to look after Henry and call if anything comes up, so as long as we keep our phones on us we should be fine,” Jen relayed, “I guess all that’s left for me to do is shower and do something with my hair.”

“Sure you don’t want to go as is?” Judy teased. Jen’s hair was still wet and tangled from the heavily chlorinated pool water and her clothes were soaked through from her bathing suit.

“Ha ha. Give me forty five to an hour and I’ll be ready to go.”

“An hour? I’ve been ready this whole time!”

“First of all, it’s only nine. Secondly, your showers take longer than it takes me to wake up and get out the door every morning, so you really don’t have room to talk.”

“Point taken.”

Jen was sure she would have been ready closer to the forty five minute mark had she not been so distracted all day. Charlie wasn’t making much of an effort to hide his apprehension towards Judy and, to make matters worse, Jen was starting to question her own feelings for her in a completely different way.

The pair had just returned from the swim-up bar, happily buzzed off watered-down margaritas when Michelle called. “I miss you too, baby,” Judy had mumbled into the phone, and Jen found herself digging her nails into her palm, barely concealing a scowl. She didn’t want to hate Michelle — she’d only met the woman once and judging by the way Judy sung her praises there wasn’t much to hate. Part of her was truly just bitter that someone could so easily swoop in and take something so important from her, but deep down she was beggining to think that there was more to it than that.

Every time she looked at Judy, all she could think about was the previous night. It wasn’t like she’d never noticed that Judy was fucking stunning — she’d have had to be blind _not_ to see it — but she’d never been so acutely aware of it before.

In college, she’d stupidly agreed to a threesome in a last-ditch effort to save her relationship with her boyfriend. Jen still remembered the girl — all disingenuous smiles in a knit turtleneck and a pair of Levi’s, peroxide blonde hair secured with a pink scrunchie. They’d touched eachother minimally — more out of politeness than anything. She was curious, _that_ she would admit, but there was no attraction, no desire, no nothing. Then she met Ted and the rest was history.

The most disconcerting thought running through her mind as she curled her hair was what if it was Judy who’d walked into her apartment all those years ago? Would it have felt the same with her? She imagined Judy’s hair splayed out on her tacky patterned pillow like a halo, Judy’s brown eyes staring up at her, the slope of her waist underneath Jen’s fingers, and she felt sick. It would have been _completely_ fucking different.

“Fucking hell,” she cursed after singeing herself with the curling iron.

“You okay in there?” Judy called through the door, “It’s been an hour.”

“Ten more minutes!”

This was no different than her protocol for attractive bosses or friends’ charming boyfriends: push it down, stop being gross, and don’t you _dare_ do anything stupid. She could handle that, and besides, Judy had made it abundantly clear she had no interest in venturing out of the platonic realm with Jen. Maybe it was a killer cocktail of the heat and one too many poolside margaritas. Maybe she was just lonely and Judy was the only other adult save for fucking Lorna she’d been in close contact with in recent memory. Now _that_ was a reasonable explanation.

Just as Jen finished curling her last remaining section, Judy yanked the door open.

“If you’re not ready yet, that’s on you. We are _leaving_.” She directed without looking up from her phone.

“Sure thing, Sarge.” Jen retorted, unplugging the curling iron and dropping it in the sink.

Judy looked up then, a wide smile spreading across her face, “Oh my God, your dress.”

Jen groaned inwardly. In her hurry to pack, she’d grabbed the wrong dress from her closet. An ankle-length silk chiffon summer dress that was entirely too floral for daily wear. Of course Judy liked the dress — if the hemline were four inches shorter she’d probably mistake it for her own.

“You mean my Judy Hale costume? I packed it by mistake. Haven’t worn this thing in a decade.”

“You make a better me than I do!” she gave Jen an appreciative once-over and shook her head, “Damn, girl. Raid my closet any time.”

* * *

The venue Judy had chosen was without a doubt crazier than either of them anticipated. Reggaetón music and top 40 hits reverberated through the walls while clubgoers screamed along, dancing with a vigour that Jen imagined would have her icing her back for weeks.

“This is taking for-fucking-ever. God, everyone here is like, twenty five.”

“Well it _i_ _s_ a night club, Jen,” Judy shot her a sideways look, “I don’t think the over forty crowd is their target demographic."

“I’m not nearly drunk enough for this.”

“I can fix that! That bartender over there looks less busy, I’m gonna run over and grab us some drinks.”

No sooner had Judy ran off in pursuit of tequila than she was replaced by a man in a mesh tank top, “Lo siento, yo —“

“I don’t speak Spanish,” she interrupted, yelling over the music, “I mean, no hablo Español.”

“It’s fine,” he laughed, “I just wanted to say that I saw you and your girlfriend walk in and you two are adorable.”

Had she had a drink, Jen was sure she would have choked on it. “If you’re talking about the brunette, ‘bout yay high,” she held her hand to the middle of her forehead and he nodded, “We’re not — she’s my friend. Best friend, but very much a friend.”

He laughed, “Honey, you’re _wearing the same dress_. I think she’s talking to _my_ ‘best friend’ right now. The best of friends for three years now.”

Jen turned to follow his gaze and saw Judy double-fisting shot glasses engrossed in an animated conversation with a shaggy-haired man who looked to be about the same age as her new acquaintance. _Oh_.

She watched as Judy disengaged herself with a polite hug and sauntered over.

“A double shot of their worst tequila for m’lady,” She beamed. Noticing Mesh Tank Top’s presence, she perked up, “Hi, I’m Judy. I’d shake your hand but mine are full.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he chuckled, “I’m Miguel, but I should get going before I lose half of the people I came here with. It was lovely to meet you both.”

When Miguel was out of earshot, Judy’s expression turned conspiratorial, “Hel-lo Miguel. He’s not bad at all, Jen. You should totally get some of that.”

“There is something seriously wrong with your gaydar. You were just talking to his boyfriend of three years.”

“Well I’ll drink to that,” she shrugged, handing Jen a shot, “To Antonio and Miguel. And my broken gaydar.”

They tipped back their shots and Jen cringed. She hadn’t drank tequila since — well, since the last time Judy had convinced her to drink tequila.

“He thought you were my girlfriend because we’re dressed like a pair of twins on some hippie fucking family Christmas card.”

“No shit!” Judy cackled, “Urge to merge, hey?”

“Should we grab another?” The words were out of Jen’s mouth before she realized that four ounces of tequila in a five minute interval had, in the distant past, been enough to bring out the persona her college friends had affectionately dubbed ‘Party Jenny’. Luckily she’d gotten better at reigning herself in over the years, but she had a feeling she’d be kicking herself for this in the morning.

"Well, we _are_ on vacation."

Judy grabbed her hand and lead her to the crowded bar, “You gotta fight your way in over here. It’s a warzone.”

Moments later, they found themselves boxed in by the crowd – Jen pressed up against the length of Judy’s body while the brunette had a one handed vice grip on the six inches of available bar space.

“Dos chupitos de tequila. Dobles, por favor.”

“You speak Spanish, Jude?”

After what felt like centuries but was probably only a minute, Judy passed a shot glass over her shoulder to Jen and promptly dragged them both out of the pandemonium.

“Yeah,” she replied breathlessly, “Only the important stuff though.”

She raised an eyebrow and Judy laughed, “Okay, you caught me. I can order drinks. That’s about it. Came in handy though, right?” She raised her glass to cheers Jen before downing it, and Jen steeled herself and did the same.

“So...” Judy drawled, “Are you going to come dance with me or am I going to have to go third wheel Miguel and Antonio?”

Jen already felt more tipsy than she’d care to admit, “Let’s get out there.”

Judy Hale was not a talented dancer by any stretch of the imagination. That being said, she _was_ an adorable dancer. She threw her body around gracelessly, calling out, “Hey, I know that word!” roughly every thirty seconds when a Spanish song referenced either alcohol, sex, or pot. Jen knew those words too.

It wasn’t long before her friend had gotten a tap on the shoulder and was dragged away to dance with someone else. She watched as Judy, who was clearly hit harder than Jen by the shots they’d consumed, stumbled back when the woman pulled her in before making a valiant attempt at something that vaguely resembled grinding. It was a painful spectacle to witness, not because Judy had abandoned her to dance with someone else, but because she was doing it so incredibly badly.

She made her way through the sweaty masses and grabbed Judy by the arm, tugging her closer to talk into her ear, “Jude. Come with me. Trust me.”

Judy followed reluctantly, mumbling an apology to her former dance partner, and they made their way to a corner of the club where the music was slightly less earsplitting and they were mostly out of range of other patrons’ flailing limbs.

“What was that about?” Judy pouted.

“I just saved you from yourself and now I’m going to teach you how to dance," she shot her a pointed look, "You’re welcome.”

“I know how to dance!” she protested.

“Oh yeah?” Jen raised an eyebrow, “Show me.”

A new song came on — slower in tempo than the last, but with a heavy beat — and Judy pressed herself up against Jen, back to front. She swayed her hips and Jen barked out a laugh.

“What?”

She gave Judy a shove and slowly ground her hips to the music, “To the beat. Like this.”

Judy bit her lip, “Okay.”

Once again flush against Jen, she began to match her movements. In a moment of boldness, Jen dragged a hand up Judy’s hip to her waist, “Arch your back a little. Here.”

She sucked in an audible breath and followed Jen's instructions as Jen allowed both hands to settle on Judy’s waist. Just like that, Jen was suddenly aware that Judy Hale — Judy fucking Hale, as in her best friend Judy Hale, was grinding on her in a Cancún nightclub.

From a teaching perspective, she was impressed that Judy was such a quick learner, but the observation was overshadowed by the reaction her body was having to feeling Judy so close to her.

Judy spun around to face her, pulling her in with a delicate hand on the small of her back. Face-to-face, it was even harder to pretend that dancing with Judy like this wasn’t having an effect on her. With her skin glistening blue under the lights and her dark eyes locked on Jen, she could only see two options: put an end to whatever this was right now, or make a massive mistake.

“I need another drink,” Jen announced, and Judy took a step back, broken out of her trance.

“Yeah,” she replied awkwardly, “Uh, me too.”

The cheap tequila had been fine before, but Jen was craving normalcy. If she ordered a _glass_ of wine, she’d have to stay until she finished it. If she ordered a _bottle,_ they could just take it back to the hotel. The logic made sense at the time, but she also knew that she was in that insidious stage of intoxication where she felt fine but was probably just a few drinks away from adding another mortifying memory to her mental bank of drunken mistakes.

Judy spoke to the bartender in a slurred, broken Spanish with the bottle already in her hand.

“Fuck, Jen. It’s actually expensive.”

“No, it’s not,” Jen smirked, taking the bottle out of her hands.

“What do you mean it’s not? I just told you —“

Before she could finish her sentence, Jen was sprinting for the door with Judy close on her heels. The two of them ran like their lives depended on it for two blocks before stopping to catch their breath.

“What,” Judy panted, “The _fuck_. Was that?”

In that moment, Jen realized she was, in fact, already drunk, “Oh Jesus,” she choked out between fits of laughter, “I don’t know why I did that.”

Judy was laughing too then, wiping tears from her cheeks and shaking her head, “How drunk are you right now? I would have just fucking _bought_ it, oh my God.”

“But it was my treat,” Jen grinned, twisting off the lid and handing the bottle to Judy to take a swig.

“I’d say we should do this more often, but I’m starting to think you’re a bad influence on me.”

Jen took back the bottle and sipped from it, “Hey. I taught you how to dance, I gave you wine — what more could you ask for?”

* * *

“I still can’t believe you did that,” Judy remarked, gesturing to the bottle of stolen wine on the end table, “Didn’t think you had it in you.”

Rather than change into their pyjamas and go to sleep like most reasonable people would in the early hours of the morning, they’d both ended up in Jen’s bed, makeup intact, a bag of gas station chips between them, and shoes still on their feet.

“So let me get this straight,” she turned onto her side to face Judy, “You think someone who took a golf club to a sports car wouldn’t steal a bottle of wine?”

“But it was _me_ who wrecked that car, remember? Got the rap sheet to prove it,” Judy chuckled.

“You know you didn’t have to do that, right? I mean, you actually fucking went to jail for me.”

“I know,” she smiled lazily, grabbing Jen’s hand and squeezing it, “And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

“I don’t know what you see in me, Judy.”

She propped herself up on her elbows, appraising Jen for a moment before responding to the rhetorical question, “I see a wonderful mother. An _amazing_ friend. Someone I love very much.”

Jen pouted, “Don’t make me feel things when I’ve been drinking.”

“I’ve been drinking more than you’ve been drinking so I think,” she raised her index finger to her temple, “I can actually do whatever I want.”

Jen rolled her eyes, not bothering to cover up the grin that had cemented itself on her face, “You’re just a lightweight.”

“Excuse me,” she narrowed her eyes and swatted Jen’s arm, “I’m a cheap date.”

“You know that’s _more_ of an insult than what I just said, right?”

“You’re an insult.”

“Judy!” she cackled, “I think you need some water.”

“I think you need some more wine.”

Judy’s eyes were slightly glazed, a pink flush spreading from her nose to her cheeks, and once again Jen was reminded of how annoyingly beautiful the other woman was. Maybe she _did_ need more wine.

This was how Jen had spent most of her nights recently — curled up next to Judy with a bottle of wine talking about everything from the weather to their deepest fears. Nothing felt that serious with Judy around.

“Oh shit!” Judy shouted abruptly, jumping out of bed and steadying herself on the wall. “Where’s my phone? I have the best idea.”

“In your purse, why?”

“I've got this game on my phone where you have to take turns answering all of these random questions and if you don’t answer or lie, you have to drink.”

“How would you know if I was lying? I could say I’m secretly fucking the guy who cuts our lawn and you’d have no way of knowing if that was a lie.”

Judy’s jaw dropped, “Holy fuck, are you banging Tyler? He’s like, nineteen! We know his parents!”

“No, Judy! You just proved my point.”

She reached into her purse and pulled out her phone, shooting Jen a disapproving glance, “The important thing is that _you’d_ know you were lying to your best friend in the world and you’d have to live with it on your conscience for the rest of your life.”

“Okay, fine,” she acquiesced, “I’ll play your little game and I won’t lie. Happy?”

“I paid two dollars for this app so abso-fucking-lutely. Wait,” she looked down at her feet, then to Jen, “Why am I still wearing shoes? Why are we both still wearing shoes?”

“Tequila makes her shoes stay on. That’s the song, right?” Jen deadpanned. She’d humour her with the stupid drinking game, but she was already starting to fear tomorrow’s hangover.

“Oh, that’s definitely how that song goes.”

She climbed back onto the bed and threw her platform sandals in the general direction of the door. “First question —“

“Oh no, that’s not how this is going to work. Your two dollar app, you go first.”

“Okay, first question for me. ‘What is the biggest lie you’ve ever told a significant other?’ Oh man, biggest lie as in _worst_ lie, or can it be a minor lie that caused the biggest mess?”

“I think you get to choose,” Jen offered, already knowing she was in for a very long story either way.

“So,” Judy took a deep breath, “My third year of university I was dating this girl, my first actual girlfriend — wait no, that was Katie. She might have been —“

“Let’s keep it moving here.”

“Sorry. So I decided to introduce her to my friends on this camping trip we’d planned and it was going great until we all took acid and it was my first time, I mean I was having this incredible, _beautiful_ spiritual experience and I accidentally, you know, might have —“

“Spit it out, Jude. What did you do?”

“I pissed in our tent, Jen! And I was so embarrassed I told my girlfriend that _she_ did it because she was drinking and blacked out and she ended up refusing to let me clean it because she thought it was her fault and then when we got back I found out it was her roommate’s tent and —“

“What the fuck?” Jen was in hysterics, shoving her hand over her mouth to muffle the sound of her laughter.

“And it still smelled like piss and her roommate accused her of intentionally pissing on it because she accidentally shrunk her favourite dress in the wash before we left and they didn’t speak for a month.”

“You are so fucking weird.”

She threw her face into her hands and sighed, “Thank you. It’s nice to finally have that off my chest.”

“I think pissing in someone’s tent and lying about it gets you 20 years of bad luck, but you’re probably in the clear now.”

“Okay, your turn. ‘Which of your exes would you still be willing to sleep with?’”

“That’s a stupid question,” Jen grimaced, “None of them.”

“Fine. Drink and I’ll get you a new one, Your Highness.”

Jen wasn’t about to object to that. She leaned over Judy to grab the bottle, crushing their bag of chips in the process, and took a long drink.

“What’s your number one sexual fantasy,” Judy read from the screen and Jen rolled her eyes.

“I don’t have any,” she replied.

“That’s bullshit!” Judy protested, “There’s gotta be something you’ve always wanted to do. Like that one _thing_ that you think would be super hot but nobody’s ever seemed down for, you know?”

“I’m serious! You clearly do though, so spill.”

“It was your question, you asshole. Plus, I can’t tell you because you’d laugh at me.”

She crossed her arms over her chest in indignation, but Jen was certain that the flush in her cheeks was now from more than just the alcohol. Judy was clearly embarrassed and it was her own damn fault for making Jen play this ridiculous game.

“Oh c’mon, that’s no fun,” Jen teased, jabbing her index finger into Judy’s side, “You know I’d never judge you.”

“Fine, but only if you promise not to laugh.”

“I swear to God if it’s watersports, that camping story is going to have a whole new meaning and I can’t make any promises.”

“Ew! It’s not fucking watersports, I just — I kind of, um, sometimes I don’t hate the idea of someone tying me up. Not having any control, I guess. I’ve always been too nervous to bring it up, but every time I think about it, it’s like...” she laughed awkwardly, “You get the idea.”

Jen was, in fact, trying very hard not to laugh. Not because it was outrageous, but because it was the _opposite_ of outrageous. Only Judy would be so delicate about having such a common fantasy. 

She leapt up, straddling Judy’s waist and grabbing her by both wrists, effectively pinning them to the headboard.

“So like this?” she smirked.

Judy’s eyes widened, lips parting slightly, and Jen could _feel_ more than hear her rapid intake of breath. She shifted her weight — realizing a moment too late that what she intended to be a joke might not have been all that funny — and Judy let out a soft squeak. An uncomfortable heat was beginning to settle in Jen’s lower abdomen and she quickly released her wrists as if Judy’s skin hadburned her.

“I think you’ll find that a lot of people are down for that if you ask them _very_ nicely.”

Judy was still staring up at her, frozen in place. “Oh?” she managed weakly.

She wasn’t sure whether it was for Judy’s sake or her own when she climbed out of her lap and returned to her original position, but something in the atmosphere of the room had definitely changed.

“Yeah,” she replied, trying to keep her tone as even as possible, “I was never into all of that submissive shit. It’s probably unsurprising, but I like control way too much.”

Judy took a deep breath and crossed her legs, fiddling with the top button of her dress and looking in every direction but Jen’s.

“Hey,” she spoke softly, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You told me it was a sensitive subject and I should have been more mindful of that.”

“I’m not embarrassed, Jen. I’m just thinking.”

“Thinking about what?” she reached out to tuck an errant curl behind her ear, “You looked like you disappeared for a bit there.”

Judy closed her eyes and leaned into Jen’s touch. It was torturous, the images running through Jen’s mind on a loop. Judy staring up into her eyes the way she had, the desperate little noise she’d made — Jen wanted nothing more than to relive that moment, as awful as she felt for it. This time, she’d kiss her hard. _She’d_ be the person to give Judy what she wanted. Not Steve or Nick or Michelle, it would be Jen, and she’d make her beg for it. With her head full of terrible ideas and an unbearable pressure building between her thighs, Jen was starting to think being the worst friend on Earth might not be that bad.

Tentatively, she brought her free hand to Judy’s thigh where her dress had ridden up and lightly dragged her nails up the expanse of skin. She shouldn't be doing this — she fucking knew she shouldn't. She shouldn't be thinking about the way Judy would taste, or what she'd sound like moaning Jen's name.

Judy’s eyes opened then, half-lidded and dark. “I want somebody to fuck me like they’re not afraid of breaking me,” she whispered, and that was all it took.

Jen crashed their lips together, all force and desire. She grabbed her by the waist and tugged her closer until she could feel Judy’s racing heartbeat and every gasping breath she took reverberate in her chest. Before she had time to think, Judy was grinding her hips down on Jen’s thigh, moaning into her mouth. Kissing Judy was like touching your tongue to a live wire. It was dangerous and _f_ _ucked up_ and she’d never felt so completely alive.

Judy broke away, her parted lips glistening as she struggled to steady her breathing and grabbed the fabric of Jen’s dress.

“This,” she panted, “Is getting in the way.”

“Shut up,” Jen demanded, pushing her onto her back and climbing on top of her. She sat back on her heels, considering what to do next. For all of her confidence, she really was going in blind.

Hastily, she undid the five pearl buttons of Judy’s dress and ripped it open, exposing her flushed chest and the soft curve of her stomach. Judy cringed at the tearing of fabric and Jen sucked in a deep breath, “Oh my God, Jude, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine! It was on sale. Wait, am I allowed to talk now?” she gave Jen a nervous smile and Jen was laughing before she could stop herself.

Collecting herself, she closed her eyes and undid the belt of her own dress before pulling it up over her head. Even in the state she was in, it wasn't lost on her that Judy was the first person to really see her since Ted. With Ben, they'd been in the dark, but Judy could see everything. 

Judy placed a hand on her thigh, drawing circles into her skin. “You’re so fucking beautiful,” she whispered. She was staring at her with reverence — like she loved her. Like she _loved_ her.

In lieu of a response, Jen lifted her hips to pull Judy’s dress off completely before grabbing both of her wrists and pinning them above her head.

“Don’t move,” she instructed, picking up her belt from where she’d discarded it. She threaded the tail of the belt through the buckle and looped it back aground again. She was seventy five percent sure she could easily do this sober, but drunk it was more of a challenge than she’d care to admit. After a few more moments of fumbling that she prayed looked more graceful than they felt, she leaned forward, sliding Judy’s wrists through the makeshift restraints and pulling them tight.

Refusing to let the sight of Judy’s disheveled curls and smudged lipstick distract her from her goal, she kissed her again, harder than the last time — harder than she’d kissed anyone. Judy wriggled underneath her in a desperate plea for more contact and Jen bit down on her lip, eliciting a shrill moan. ‘Huh,’ she thought, ‘So she does like it rough.’

Without so much as pausing for a breath, she raked her fingers through Judy’s hair and tugged her head to the side. She assaulted her neck with a patternless succession of open-mouthed kisses, nips, and bites, supporting her weight with one hand while the other travelled the span of Judy’s chest and stomach. Every strained little noise that fell from Judy’s lips when she’d dig her nails into her soft skin was causing the pressure in Jen's core to build until it was almost intolerable.

Moving down her body, she brought her mouth to Judy’s breast, flicking her tongue experimentally over a pert nipple to gauge her reaction. Judy’s breath hitched and she continued, sucking hard this time and grazing the sensitive skin with her teeth before moving on to the next. Judy mewled and began to squirm again, forcing Jen to shove her hips down into the mattress and continue her descent.

When she finally dipped her tongue into Judy’s navel, it became apparent that the other woman was not enjoying the teasing.

Jen looked up at her with a smirk, “Look at you,” she taunted, “So needy.”

She dipped a finger between Judy’s thighs and groaned at the wetness she felt through her lace underwear. Judy was trembling underneath her, bucking her hips into Jen’s hand.

“Jen, please,” she begged, her voice hoarse, “I need it. Please.”

Jen removed her hand with a disingenuous smile, “Need what, Jude? You’ll have to be more specific.”

Judy let out an exasperated huff, already mourning the brief contact. “Seriously?” she whined.

“If you’re not going to tell me, you can get on your knees.”

Judy’s eyes widened, but she kept her composure for the most part, extricating herself from Jen and kneeling on the bed — bound wrists hanging in front of her.

“Now turn around.”

She did as she was told and Jen wrapped her fingers around her neck, getting a thrill out of the way she leaned into even the least comforting of touches. She let her hand trail down Judy’s back before abruptly shoving her forward, burying her face in the pillow.

“When I ask you a question, I expect an answer,” she purred, “Is that clear?”

Before Judy could respond, Jen brought her hand down on Judy’s ass hard.

“Yes!” Judy yelped, spreading her legs further apart and arching her back.

“Oh my God,” Jen laughed, “You like that, don’t you?”

She struck her again and again, watching in a strange mixture of awe and amusement as squeaks and muffled cries became loud, unrestrained moans.

“Yes,” she cried out, “Yes. _Yes_. Fuck yes.”

Finally satisfied, Jen snaked a hand between Judy’s legs and ghosted her fingers over the spot that Judy wanted her most. At the lightest touch, Judy jerked against her. She continued in circular ministrations with just enough pressure to leave the other woman whimpering under her touch.

“Jen,” she whispered, propping herself up on her elbows to meet Jen’s relentless gaze, “I need you inside me _now_. Feel how wet I am for you. I need you to fuck me. _Please_ fuck me.”

Jen was caught off guard, both by the desperation in Judy’s voice and what she was actually saying. It wasn’t like the rest of their exchange had been particularly G-rated, but _that_ was more than she’d bargained for.

She hadn’t so much as kissed a woman in over two decades, and even the one experience she did have was nothing like this. ‘Calm down, Jen,’ she mentally chastised herself, ‘You do it to yourself all the fucking time. Same parts, idiot.’

With all of the conviction she could muster, she found Judy’s entrance and pushed into her with two fingers. Thrusting slowly at first, she watched Judy lose her balance and fall back into the pillow, her wrists still bound underneath her. Quickly, she lost interest in going slow. It felt too intimate, somehow. _Gross_.

She increased her pace, adjusting her hand to rub circles into Judy’s clit as she pounded into her as hard and fast as she thought any normal woman could handle. The harder she went, the louder Judy moaned, so she used her free hand to slap her ass once more, drawing out a guttural noise that Jen could only describe as the hottest thing she’d ever heard.

It wasn’t long before Judy’s legs were shaking, her voice coming out in shrill little bursts. “Fuck, baby,” she gasped, “Don’t stop. You’re gonna make me come.”

Jen’s mouth fell open when she realized what Judy had called her. Was she thinking about somebody else? Pushing the thought out of her mind, she increased the pressure of her thumb and pushed her fingers deeper inside, keeping the pace as best as her tired wrist would allow.

The next thing she knew, Judy was screaming — actually screaming — and Jen could feel her spasming around her fingers. She felt like she was in a trance; on one hand, she was fairly certain that this moment would be burned into her memory forever, for better or for worse, and on the other, some small responsible part of her was worried they might wake up to a noise complaint.

Jen pulled her hand away, staring at her two fingers. Without thinking, she brought them to her mouth and sucked them clean.

A soft, “Holy shit,” from Judy shook her out of her daze and she looked up. Judy was now sitting against the headboard with her knees to her chest, watching Jen in a way that made her feel far too exposed for her comfort level.

She crawled over to where Judy sat, quickly untying her wrists before grabbing the bottle of wine and taking a generous swig. She was starting to sober up and she wasn’t enjoying her newfound clarity of mind in the slightest.

“We should probably get some sleep,” Jen announced, moving to get off the bed.

Judy stopped her with a firm grip on her arm, “Not yet.”

She cupped Jen’s cheek in her hand and brought their mouths together, kissing her languidly. Before Jen could protest, Judy had tugged off her underwear and was settled between her legs, leaving a trail of kisses from her ankle to her inner thigh. “I won’t tease you as payback,” she chuckled, “Even though you definitely deserve it.”

Jen rolled her eyes and opened her mouth to respond, only to be silenced by Judy’s hot breath on her centre. It was glaringly obvious that Judy knew exactly what she was doing — using her fingers and tongue in a way that felt more like a choreographed dance than fucking. She wondered how many women Judy had touched like this — how many had screamed out her name in the throes of ecstasy.

She grabbed her hair, pushing her in closer, and felt Judy moan against her. With every thrust, she curled her fingers inside her, hitting the spot that made Jen’s head lull back and a stream of expletives fall from her mouth.

“You look so sexy like this,” Judy whispered into her thigh, staring up at her through her eyelashes, still maintaining a torturous rhythm with her fingers.

Jen couldn’t respond — couldn’t fucking speak at all, because this was better than she ever imagined it could be. She could feel the pressure building when Judy pulled her clit between her lips, licking and sucking relentlessly as Jen ground her hips into her face.

“Oh my fucking God,” she groaned, feeling her entire body begin to go rigid. Judy pulled her face away, grinning.

“What the fuck?”

“I wanna watch,” she replied innocently, adding a third finger and increasing the pace until Jen was certain she might actually black out. It didn’t take long to hit her peak, every muscle going limp as she cried out.

“Huh,” Judy mused, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand as Jen tried to catch her breath.

“What?”

"Doesn't take much, does it?"

Jen scoffed, "You're an asshole."

"You weren't saying that a minute ago," she teased with a satisfied smirk.

"Yeah, well I hope it was worth it, because we're both getting kicked out of here in the morning."

"You should take it as a compliment."

"And you should take —" Jen started, suddenly unsure of what she'd intended to say, "Uh, take yourself to bed."

"Great comeback, Jen. Ten out of ten."

"Go to bed, Judy."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since this is in jen’s pov and i don’t want you guys to hate me or poor judy, the conversation judy’s having at the beginning of this chapter is NOT AT ALL what jen thinks it is. yikes. 
> 
> this chapter's pretty short, but welcome to angst city. i warned you guys.

Jen woke to a pounding in her head and Judy’s hushed voice from across the room.

“Yes, well, these things happen,” she spoke evenly, and Jen didn’t have to open her eyes to figure out that she was on the phone. Why the fuck was she even _awake?_

“No, you don’t need to tell her. It’s not worth it. It was a mistake. I _do_ know how it looks, but you and I both know that’s not what happened.”

Jen kept her eyes closed in case Judy was looking in her direction, the other woman’s words repeating in her mind on a sickening loop:

 _It was a mistake._

After a few more minutes, the room was silent again and Jen slowly opened her eyes and reached for the glass of water and two Advil on the end table.

“Morning,” Judy called over, “Thought you might need those. My head’s fucking killing me but the boys came by half an hour ago so I don’t think sleeping it off is in the cards for either of us today.”

“Thanks,” Jen mumbled in response.

“You alright?”

Jen mentally tallied all of the reasons she was _not_ alright. She felt like she’d been hit by a freight train, her back was killing her, she’d slept like shit, her throat felt like sandpaper from the chain smoking she’d done the entire time they were outside, she was brutally nauseous, anxious as hell, _and_ she was still reeling from what she was starting to realize was one of the worst decisions she’d ever made.

She forced a smile, “I’m fine, Jude.”

Judy made her way over to the bed and sat on the edge.

“I guess we should probably talk while we have a second.”

She could tell her something she hoped would put it in the past; it was fun, it didn’t mean anything. It didn’t have to change anything between them. She could swallow her pride and apologize. Judy was in love with somebody else — somebody good, somebody who was _nothing like Jen_ — and now Jen had given her another fucked up secret to keep. It was a mistake.

If Judy was a riptide, Jen was a fucking tsunami. All things considered, there was nothing she could say that wouldn’t make things worse, so she did the one thing she swore she’d never do again. She lied through her fucking teeth.

“About what?” she feigned ignorance, “You’ll have to fill me in because I remember very little of last night.”

“Wait,” she hesitated, “What _do_ you remember? I knew you were drunk, I mean, we were both _very drunk_ , but I didn’t know you were — oh _God_.”

“We went to that night club, then, uh,” she shrugged, “That gas station down the road, and now here we are. What’s going on?”

“Nothing!” she squeaked, “We should talk about our plans for the rest of the week, I meant. I don’t know why I made that sound so serious. You stole a bottle of wine from the club, which obviously you _do_ remember — we can _never_ go back there, for the record — and that’s about it.”

Jen raised an eyebrow as Judy continued to ramble on, barely pausing to breathe.

“That zoo down by Puerto Morelos that Henry’s dying to see? You know how I feel about animals in captivity, but I checked out their website this morning and it’s run by conservationists which I guess is the lesser of two evils. And the adventure park in Solidaridad — what was it called?”

“Xel-Há?” Jen offered, “The one the cab driver was talking about?”

“ _Yes_ , that one. I mean, the passes are definitely expensive but Charlie seemed interested and I don’t want him to feel like he’s just being carted around all day without any say in our plans.”

As Judy spoke, Jen realized with a fresh wave of both mortification and nausea that she was still very much naked under the duvet. Using every bit of willpower she had left, she fought to keep the conversation flowing as if all of this was totally normal and family discounts on park passes and whether or not they should just bite the bullet and rent a car rather than continue cabbing were the most pressing matters on her mind. She'd never been much of an actress, but when Judy finally excused herself to go check on the boys down by the pool, Jen had to applaud her own performance because _Jesus fuck_ , this was _bad_.

She climbed out of bed and made her way to the bathroom, her aching body protesting with every step. Today was a write-off, she'd already decided. If she was lucky, she'd be able to sleep through the worst of her hangover poolside with Charlie there to make sure Henry didn't do something stupid like _drown,_ and maybe someday she'd remember this with nothing more than a twinge of embarrassment like the time she'd gotten food poisoning during Ted's family vacation in the Maldives. After washing off the previous night's makeup and dousing her face and shoulders in sunscreen, she took one final look in the mirror and sucked in a shaky breath. Below her left breast was a smear of pink lipstick — Judy's lipstick. _Oh, fuck._

* * *

“We need to talk,” Charlie announced, and Jen was about to open her eyes when Judy responded.

“Sure, what’s up, Char?”

“Why are you doing all of this? Really. I don’t want some bullshit answer, I’m not stupid.”

Judy chuckled nervously, “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. I don’t care how you got your money and I have a feeling I really don’t want to know anyway, but how much did this trip cost?”

“A lot,” she admitted.

“And how much did my car cost?”

“Your mom paid for —“

“I already know you bought it. I know about the house too.”

“O-kay,” she sighed in defeat, “Well, how much do you want to know?”

“All of it.”

“That’s going to be a _really_ long story.”

“I’ve got time.”

“Well, then I’ll start from the beginning. I’m not from Laguna. I grew up in San Bernardino.”

“I’ve never been there.”

She let out a sharp laugh, “You’re not missing much. My mom was 22 when she had me — she wasn’t ready to be a parent, not that I think things would have gone much differently if she was. She started using heroin when I was three and I’ve never met my father so I, um, I spent a lot of time alone as a kid. When I was in junior high, we lost the apartment and lived out of our car for a year. It sounds stupid, but I didn’t mind it that much — I mean, showering at the YMCA kind of sucked, but at least I got to see her more than once every couple of weeks. The thing is, she was,” she took a deep breath, “She was abusive. Mentally and sometimes physically. She’d lost her job, so she was selling at the time, and eventually she got busted and I had to testify. As much as I loved her and wanted her to love me, I couldn’t live like that anymore, so I told the truth. She went to prison and I was in foster care — mostly group homes — until I aged out and went to college.”

“That’s fucked up, Judy. Like, seriously fucked up. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, it was, but that’s why. You guys are the closest thing to a real family I’ve ever had and I don’t know how to explain how much that means to me. I’m sorry if I overstepped, but I just wanted to do _something_ — say thank you, somehow. That's all.”

“I miss Dad,” Charlie replied, so quietly Jen almost missed it.

“I know you do.”

“But I’m glad you’re here. You’re family.”

It took all of Jen's strength to keep her eyes closed and stop her hands from balling into fists at her sides. She’d heard bits and pieces of that story over time — an offhand remark here and there — and she knew that Eleanor had been far from mother of the year, but hearing the full extent of it (sanitized for Charlie’s sake, she was sure) sent a surge of rage flooding through her body, white hot and volatile.

It was then that she decided, brutally hungover and only half-conscious in a beach chair, that no matter how confusing the feelings she had for her friend, she couldn’t let them come back on Judy. If there was one thing she could control in the colossal shit storm of her life, she wouldn’t be the next person to hurt her. If there was one thing she could control, she would be the friend that Judy deserved.

Just a few short months ago, Jen would have scoffed at the idea that she could be a true friend to anyone. She was hotheaded and brusque by nature; prone to escalating minor arguments and snapping at whoever was closest to her when something set her off. Her loyalty was questionable. Sure, she’d been loyal to Ted (and look where that had gotten her), but her friendships were always short-lived and distant at best.

All of that being said, for the first time in her life, Jen was putting in the work. She was speaking honestly in group meetings. She was learning to be vulnerable, to be seen, even in her most hopeless moments. Even when it terrified her. She was learning that it mattered. If she really thought about it, she’d been learning that lesson from Judy since the day they met. Jen could change, Jen _was_ changing, and she wanted to do better.

If any of the garbage Pastor Wayne spouted was true, and lately she found herself hoping it was, Jen could be the friend that Judy deserved.

The sound of Judy crying brought her back to reality and her eyes shot open, abandoning the charade.

“Jude?” she mumbled, and before she could adjust to the light, Judy was on the ground next to her, crying hot tears onto her shoulder.

“I’m sorry, this is so ridiculous,” she spoke through hiccuping sobs, “How much of that did you hear?”

Charlie was now well out of earshot and she replied honestly, “All of it. I’m too hungover to sleep. I know I never asked about Eleanor, but I figured it wasn’t my place. If I’d known, I would have,” she took a breath, trying in vain to calm herself, “I would have fucking —“

Judy sniffled and choked on a laugh, “Stormed the prison? I know. I’m not sad, Jen. I’m happy.”

Jen pulled back and gave her a quizzical look, “Happy? Your happy face worries me, Jude. You just about gave me a fucking heart attack.”

“No,” she whined, “I think that was the sweetest thing he’s ever said to me. We’re definitely taking him to that park, I hope you know that.”

Jen chuckled and took a sip from her water bottle, “We’ll book the tickets tonight after the tiny bastards with pickaxes stop attacking my brain.”

“That bad, huh?”

“You have no idea,” she reached out to wipe a tear from Judy’s face, “And Judy? You’ll always have a home with us. I really mean that. Always.”

“Jen,” she started, before jumping up from the concrete at the sudden sound of Henry’s shrill voice from the pool.

“Judy!” he hollered again and Jen watched as Judy’s eyes filled with panic.

“Are you okay? What’s going on? Oh God, do you need me to —“

“You and Mom are being boring! You promised you’d come in the pool with me!”

Jen shook her head with a lazy smile.

“False alarm. That was his _happy scream_. Doesn’t feel so good to be on the receiving end of it, does it?”

Judy laughed, still misty-eyed, cheeks pink, “You really are the worst sometimes. Way to ruin a perfectly good moment.”

Jen took another sip of her water, “There was no moment.”

“We were definitely having a moment, and it was a _nice_ moment.”

Jen hummed in response and Judy continued undeterred, “If it _was_ a moment, I was about to say something really thoughtful about how much all of this means to me.”

“Oh yeah? And what was it?”

Judy grinned, “What do you mean?” she lowered her voice to a poor imitation of Jen’s, “ _There was no moment._ ”

“Oh, fuck off,” Jen cackled, splashing Judy with the water from her bottle.

“Hey, Henry!” Judy yelled in the direction of the pool, a mischievous glint in her eyes, “Come help me get your very boring mom into the pool!”

“You wouldn’t,” Jen warned, throwing her arms over her chest in an ineffectual attempt to stop Judy from dragging her out of her chair.

Before she could even fight off Judy, Henry was right beside her grabbing the one arm she’d managed to free from Judy’s grasp.

“Henry! I love you so much, baby. Don’t listen to Judy. Don’t —“ she cut off her own pleas with a yelp as the duo managed to pull her from her seat, Henry grabbing her legs and Judy bearing most of her weight with a firm grip under her shoulders.

Time seemed to slow as she accepted her fate. Her cold, _piss-filled_ if the number of children occupying the pool were anything to go by, utterly depressing fate.

When she hit the water, she fought the urge to vomit. Her sundress was weighing her down more than a polyester slip had any right to and she was in no state to meet the admittedly minor physical demands of treading water. After a few moments of clawing her way to the surface, she finally emerged, gasping and spluttering with a vice grip on the edge of the pool. The taste of sunscreen and chlorine in her mouth was all she needed to know that her face was likely splotched white with the remnants of her far too expensive and definitely not waterproof SPF 50.

After rubbing the offending product out of her eyes, she was met with a smug smile.

“Now _that_ was a moment,” Judy teased, shaking out her wet hair, “I actually read in a magazine that cold water is a great hangover cure. They called it a James Bond shower, but yours was more of a plunge. How’re ya feelin’, Jen Bond?”

“Fucking fantastic,” she grimaced, “Judy Blofeld.”

“Not _Blofeld_ ,” she whined, “Can’t I be the hot one? Susan Sarandon?”

“Susan Sarandon was a Bond villain?”

“I don’t _know_ , I only watched one of them.”

“Who the fuck has watched all of them?”

“Did I just hear you pretty ladies talking about the Bond films?” interrupted a man whose face Jen could only describe as extremely punchable, “Not to be _that guy_ , but I actually worked on Skyfall and —“

“No,” Jen cut him off in disgust, “Neither of us gives a flying fuck about the fucking Bond films, for the love of God. We’re playing marco polo with our kid, you dickhead.”

Judy choked, kicking her under the water, but the only thing on Jen’s mind was this sleazy fucker in front of her, his idiotically transparent attempt at hitting on either her, Judy, or maybe even _both of them_ , and the fact that he was still staring at her tits even after the verbal beatdown she’d given him.

“That’s some nice language to be using around your kid, _sweetheart_.”

“Oh, listen up, fuckwad. I’m not your sweetheart, my eyes are up here, and I don’t need your performative fucking concern over my fucking —“

“Go away, buttlicker!” Henry yelled, sending both Jen and Judy into sudden hysterics.

The man immediately retreated, grumbling under his breath and shaking his head, and Henry gave the pair a sheepish glance.

“Buttlicker?” Judy giggled, “Nice one, buddy.”

“Not a nice one!” Jen choked out, trying and failing to sound assertive, “Those aren’t nice words, okay, honey?”

“But he wasn’t being a nice person!”

“The kid’s got a point, Jen,” Judy shot her a serious gance, and that was all it took for both of them to lose it all over again.

* * *

“What did that mean?” Henry asked between bites of pizza, “What that man in the pool said about you and Judy?”

“What are you talking about, boop? What did he say?”

“He called you f-word dykes,” he related, confusion evident in his expression, and Jen could see Judy tense beside her as if she’d been slapped. 

Jen rarely found herself speechless, but staring at her son’s inquisitive face as she repeated the sentence in head was making her dizzy. Judy had recovered impressively quickly, but the silence was growing uncomfortable and Jen was still struggling to form a coherent thought. _That fucking asshole._

As if sensing her distress, Judy spoke up, “It’s a very bad word Henry, not like the ones your mom and I use. It’s a horrible thing that some people call girls who love other girls.”

“Like the way Mom loves you?”

“No!” Jen squeaked, “Not like that.”

“Not helping,” Judy muttered under her breath.

“Oh,” Henry gasped, recognition dawning on him, “Like lesbians.”

* * *

“You could’ve said lesbians from the start instead of giving him the ‘sometimes a woman loves another woman very much’ spiel, Jude. He’s not five, he knows gay people exist. I took him to a pride parade last year after he broke down at the mall because I wouldn’t buy him the original cast recording of RENT.”

“First of all, just because he likes musical theatre doesn’t mean he likes boys —“

“Doesn’t it though?”

“Jen!”

“Oh, screw off, I’m joking. But I did bring him. Charlie too. If my kids end up on the roster for the next generation of homophobic men, I’ll have officially failed as a parent.“

“I’m glad you brought them,” she replied with an easy smile, but there was something in her expression that Jen didn’t like. She knew that something was off and she didn’t know what to say — whether she should ask her what was wrong or if she had any place asking in the first place considering the circumstances. Things were different between them now. Maybe not from the outside, but Jen felt the change.

Before she could make up her mind, Judy was out of her chair and checking the time on her phone, “ _Crap_ , I promised the boys I’d take them into town for ice cream tonight.”

Jen looked down at her dress, still damp from earlier, “I should probably change.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Judy replied a little too quickly, “I’ll do this, you can just relax.”

“I’m fucking relaxed,” Jen shot back, immediately cursing herself for her impulse to go on the defensive when Judy was clearly trying to be helpful, “But sure. I’ll book those passes while you’re out. Henry’s allergic to almonds, by the way. No matter what he tells you, he’s not allowed to order rocky road.”

“Got it. No rocky road, no almonds. Want me to bring anything back? I can’t promise it won’t be melted, but I hear the aguacate is _to die for_.”

“That’s alright,” she smiled, reaching out to squeeze Judy’s arm lightly.

It was more out of habit than anything, the innocent touches. She rarely stopped to think about how physically affectionate she and Judy were with eachother. With most people she hated being touched, but with Judy it had always felt natural — _comfortable_. This time it was different. Judy flinched and Jen's heart dropped.

Ultimately, she was grateful for Judy’s departure and the moment alone with her thoughts that it provided her. It was torture, the nonstop emotional rollercoaster this trip had turned into. She was in paradise with the three people she loved most in the world — the _only_ three people she really loved at all when it came down to it — and she _was_ happy. There were moments where Jen was sure that she couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so light and carefree, but then (because of course all good things must come to an end) she’d remember the previous night. Then Judy, fucking Judy who couldn’t even watch a TV show without curling into Jen’s side, would flinch away from her.

It was an emotion Jen had grown familiar with. Shame. She was terrified and ashamed and the only person she could imagine going to for comfort when she felt this way was Judy. How could she have been so fucking reckless?

She took a deep breath and tried to steady herself. Okay, so she made a mistake. She made a pretty fucking massive mistake (that hardly felt like a mistake at the time, but was now very clearly _a mistake_ ) and she was going to have to grow up and deal with the consequences of it. In just four days, they would head back to Laguna and return to the comfortable little routine they’d settled into and everything would be _fine_. The awkwardness would wear off — really, they’d cleared significantly more insurmountable hurdles than a drunken sexcapade over the course of their friendship. Judy would go back to her weekly date nights with Michelle (she was usually home by midnight, not that Jen was waiting up for her) and Jen would buy a new vibrator and call this whole ordeal the latest in a series of poorly thought out decisions. It wasn’t the end of the world.

Dealing with other people’s feelings had never been Jen’s strong suit and dealing with her own usually involved staying as detached as possible — resolve the problem and move onto the next. If she needed the occasional extra glass of wine and a late-night drive spent screaming along to heavy metal somewhere along the way, fuckin’ sue her.

She took out a cigarette and lit it. The sun was setting over the water, turning the view from their patio into something straight from a post card. _Yeah, everything’s going to be fucking fine._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a massive thank you to the lovely hayley (as always) and @bgaydocrimes for beta-ing this chapter. hope you guys like, uh... snakes?

“I’m following the flow of traffic, calm down.”

“You’re going 60 over the speed limit in an ‘88 Fiesta — this isn’t a flow of traffic situation, Jen!”

Jen wasn’t a reckless driver. For obvious reasons, she tended to play it safe, but between getting the boys fed and out the door and the hour they’d spent at the Rent-A-Car, they were already seriously behind schedule. 

“I told you we should’ve gone to another rental agency.”

“Yeah well, you were right, but that doesn’t mean you have to _kill us,_ ” Judy shot back, grabbing onto the handle above the passenger side door with a squeak as Jen veered off the freeway, “You can’t take corners like that, it’s not a Mercedes!”

“We’re gonna die?” Henry piped up from the back seat and Jen shot Judy an unimpressed glare. 

Judy turned in her seat to face the boys, still holding onto the handle for dear life, “No, sweetie. Your mom’s a great driver.”

“Take your hand off the holy shit handle and I might believe you,” Jen deadpanned and Judy scowled. 

“Slow. Down,” she hissed.

Jen rolled her eyes, “Fine.”

“Thank you.”

Charlie mumbled something from the back and Jen realized with annoyance that he _still_ had his nose buried in his cell phone. She’d set him up with a travel roaming plan for her own peace of mind, but she was starting to think she should’ve just cut it off entirely because, _Jesus_ , what was it with teenagers and their phones? 

The car lurched forward, bottoming out on rough cement, and Judy shrieked, her free hand shooting to her chest. 

“Speedbump, Mom,” Charlie mumbled, “I warned you.”

“Judy!” Henry beamed, “Did you know crocodiles are related to dinosaurs? Birds too, but dinosaurs are cooler.”

After enduring fifteen more minutes of Henry’s admittedly extensive knowledge of crocodiles interspersed with an infuriating amount of backseat driving on Judy’s part, they’d finally reached their destination. 

Jen waited with crossed arms as Judy climbed delicately out of the car and smoothed out the wrinkles in her dress. 

She shook her head, lips set in a tight line, and Judy looked down to hide a sheepish smile. 

“Are they really going to let us hold a crocodile?” Henry asked gleefully. 

“Not if I have anything to say about it.”

“Oh, c’mon,” Judy shoved her playfully, “They’ll let him hold the baby, it’ll be fine.”

Despite the day’s rocky start, Jen was feeling optimistic. The sun was shining, Henry was fucking thrilled, and Charlie — well, Charlie was still texting away, but he wasn’t complaining which she justified was better than the alternative. 

Maybe this was exactly what they needed. 

* * *

Jen had to hand it to Judy, the zoo was a fucking fantastic idea. Jen had never considered herself an animal person by any stretch of the imagination and zoo animals were no exception. She was absolutely terrified of snakes — something about their beady little eyes and the way that they moved had always unsettled her more than it should — but the enclosures had given her a much-needed sense of security. 

It was enthralling, the way Judy seemed so in her element here, hovering protectively behind Henry as he reached out with a tentative hand to feed a handful of twigs and bark to a spider monkey. Really, the scene in front of her was unbearably cute, so Jen pushed the horror stories she’d heard about unassuming tourists mauled by monkeys to the back of her mind and tried to enjoy the moment. 

“Mom!” Henry called, “The monkey’s name is Henry — you have to come feed him with me!”

Jen chuckled and joined him, holding out her hand for their guide to pour out a generous helping of mixed food from a ziplock bag. 

“Hey Henry,” she greeted the monkey, “You’re so much hairier than I remember.”

“God, you’re cringy,” Charlie muttered. 

Before she could respond, the monkey lunged forward, nipping Jen’s hand. 

“Motherfucker!” she yelled, yanking her arm away. 

“Language, Mom,” Charlie teased and she scowled. 

“Don’t you have like, a million friends you could be texting right now?” she shot back. 

He smirked, “So you’re gonna give my phone back?”

“No.”

“Sorry,” the guide smiled apologetically, “Henry’s harmless but he gets a little nippy when he’s hungry.”

“Oh, Jen!” Judy’s eyes widened, “Do you remember that documentary? About the village in western Uganda where those chimps were,” she lowered her voice to a whisper, “ _killing children?_ ”

“Yes, I fucking remember it, Judy,” Jen groaned, “Thanks for that comforting visual right after I’ve been _attacked_ , though.”

“He didn’t attack you,” Henry pointed out, “And he’s not a chimp, he’s a spider monkey.”

Henry turned to the guide, his eyes sparkling, “Do we get to hold the crocodiles next, Liam?”

The guide, Liam (Jen realized with a pang of embarrassment that she’d never asked his name), smiled, “Next up we’ve got the snakes, but I’ll let you guys hold one if you promise to be gentle with her.”

“Oh, _hell_ yeah,” Charlie grinned. 

Jen paled. _The snakes?_ Her pulse quickened as they made their way over to the snake enclosure and she came face to face with a massive yellow python. 

“She looks like Nagini from Harry Potter,” Henry gasped. 

“Okay, so now we’re in fuckin’ Snakes on a Plane,” Jen muttered, “Perfect.” 

Judy gave her a pleading look, “Look how happy he is.”

Liam pulled a medium sized snake out of the enclosure and demonstrated how to hold it, looping it around his shoulders like a fucking scarf because _obviously_ that was a perfectly normal thing to do with an animal that looked like it had slithered off the set of a horror movie. 

Charlie was first up, a boastful smirk on his face as he held it proudly. 

“C’mon, take a picture!”

“What are you gonna do, big man?” Jen retorted, “Post it on your little ghost app?”

“My _Snapchat,_ Mom? You’re so old.”

“The ‘gram? The ingram?” Jen continued, revelling in her son’s disapproval. 

“Nobody says that!”

“I just said it, so clearly _somebody_ does.”

“Judy!” he pleaded, “Please make her stop.”

“Oh man,” Judy cringed, “There’s, like, _so much_ nudity on Snapchat.”

Jen choked and Charlie rolled his eyes, “Oh my _God_ , it isn’t even for that anymore. You’re just as bad as her.”

“I’m just sayin’,” Judy shrugged, “I used to use the ghost app _frequently_.”

“Judy!” he yelped, “Gross!”

“Time and place, Jude,” Jen sighed, taking out her phone and snapping a few photos of Charlie and the snake. 

Henry ran up, grabbing Judy by the hand.

“Wanna hold her?” he asked earnestly, puppy dog eyes on full display. 

“Duh! She’s adorable,” Judy replied, squeezing his hand and motioning for Jen to follow them. 

_Seriously?_ She watched in disbelief as Judy carefully removed the snake from Charlie’s shoulders, and _of-fucking-course_ Judy had to be out there like fucking Snow White with the zoo animals while Jen was cowering in the corner. She knew she was being overprotective of Henry and she also knew that her own fears were irrational, but the knowledge did little to quell her anxiety after just having been bitten by a goddamn monkey only minutes prior. _Suck it up, Jen._

“Oh, she’s so _soft_ ,” Judy remarked, sliding her index finger along the snake’s back, “Come over here!”

Jen waved a hand dismissively, “I’ll take your word for it.”

“Please?”

Jen took a shaky breath and walked over, her eyes locked on the snake. Logically, the possibility that they’d be letting children manhandle it if it was actually dangerous was slim to none, but regardless of what Judy had said, this thing was _far_ from adorable. 

Judy moved to loop the tail end of the snake around Jen’s shoulders and she flinched, screwing her eyes shut. The fact alone that it was long enough to fit around both of them was horrifying, but feeling its weight on her neck made her skin crawl. 

“Jen?” she questioned, concern evident in her tone. 

“It’s fine, okay? I’m fine,” Jen replied. Her words came out sharp and rushed — totally unconvincing. 

“Hey,” she whispered, “Look at me.”

The gentleness in Judy’s expression felt suffocating. All-consuming. Jen refused to look away as Judy let the snake fall against Jen’s shoulder and wrapped her newly freed arm around her waist comfortingly. 

“See,” she smiled, her eyes crinkling, “Not that bad, right?”

“Fuck,” Jen breathed, “Will someone just take the fucking picture?”

On cue, Henry dashed to her purse and took out her phone, “Say cheese!”

She forced a smile, hoping it looked less like a grimace than it felt, and Judy laughed. Desperate to recover, Jen steeled herself and reached a shaky hand around Judy to lightly stroke the snake’s head. 

“Oh,” she mumbled, “It is soft.”

“Weird, right?” Judy reached out, accidentally brushing her fingers against Jen’s. It was a strange feeling — like electricity, like something dangerous that Jen desperately wanted to lean into, and she couldn’t stop staring at Judy.

She watched as Judy’s expression shifted, her warm smile flickering into something darker — something heavier. Something that looked a lot like disappointment. Before Jen could process what had happened, Judy was grinning again. 

“Okay, Henry. Your turn,” she announced, lifting the snake off of her and Jen’s shoulders and placing it in Henry’s outstretched arms, “I’m gonna grab a water from the gift shop — God, it’s hot out here. Anybody want anything?”

Jen shook her head and Judy took a cautious step back before turning to leave. The air between them felt empty without Judy’s presence and Jen cursed herself for being so dramatic. She felt different when Judy was close — safer somehow, like she could breathe again. Like she could touch a fucking snake without losing her mind or raise two boys without their father. It made no sense to her, but it never had and she’d chosen not to question it. 

Jen wasn’t sure how long it could possibly take to buy a bottle of water, but after fifteen minutes had passed, she was starting to worry. 

By now, she’d fully accepted her status as a true blue vacation mom, standing back to take a video of Henry and Charlie as they traversed the aviary with parrots perched on their hands. 

In true Henry fashion, Henry was starting to get irritated by his bird’s inability to speak. 

“Hello, birdy,” he repeated, holding it up at eye-level, “Why won’t he say hi back?”

“It’s a bird, Boop. It can’t talk,” Jen explained. 

“Yes he _can,”_ Henry insisted, “Parrots can talk.”

“Not in English,” Judy’s sudden voice from behind her made her jump, “He’s a Mexican bird, buddy.”

“Oh!” Henry’s eyes widened, “How do I say hi to the bird in Spanish?”

Liam laughed, “You can say _hola pajaro_.”

“Hola pajaro,” Henry pronounced awkwardly and the bird twittered, shaking out its wings. 

“Hola!” it chirped and Henry’s face lit up. 

“Mom! Did you hear that?” he squealed, “I told you he could talk!”

Jen felt her heart swell at the sight of Henry’s open-mouthed smile. She missed seeing her boys like this — so unburdened, just the goofy kids who’d spent their summers burying her and Ted in the sand at Crescent Bay. A less jaded Charlie who’d sit up for hours in the living room while Henry performed showtunes, always cheering him on as if he wouldn’t rather be playing his video games. The people her boys had grown into filled her with pride, but that didn’t stop her from wishing she could take away their grief — feel it so they didn’t have to.

“Nice catch,” she chuckled, “The bird speaks Spanish. Took your sweet time with that water, hey? I was starting to think you’d left poor Charlie to fight off the crocodiles when they go for my jugular.”

Judy was silent, glancing at Jen before walking ahead of them to the crocodile enclosure. _What the fuck?_

Pushing her discomfort to the back of her mind, Jen instructed the boys to wrap it up with the birds. They had dinner reservations and were already pushing it time-wise thanks to their late start and Henry’s inability to leave a single section of the zoo without hounding Liam with rapid-fire questions about every animal he saw. 

When she turned to look back, Judy was off to the side on her phone and Jen resisted the urge to eavesdrop. She wished she’d never done it the first time, but save for rewinding the clock and erasing the first half of their vacation, there was nothing that could be done about it now. 

After a few more minutes of, “We’ve got birds at home,” and, “If we miss our reservation tonight I’m going to have to pay for it like I pay for every-fucking-thing — you know I had a paper route when _I_ was sixteen,” (Jen wasn’t particularly proud of that one) the five of them finally made it to the crocodile tank. 

Jen stood with Judy at a safe distance as Liam pulled a particularly menacing crocodile from the tank and Henry bounced on his heels in excitement.

“Judy,” she hissed, “That is not a fucking baby. That thing could eat him.”

Judy was staring intently at the reptile in question, an unreadable expression on her face. 

“Judy!” she repeated in a sharper tone. 

“What? Oh...” Judy trailed off, her voice distant, “It should be fine.”

Without meeting Jen’s eyes, she walked over to where the boys were standing with Liam taking turns running their hands over the animal’s scales. 

Jen followed behind with a barely audible huff. Everything had felt fine between her and Judy up until she’d convinced her to hold that snake — maybe there were moments of understandable awkwardness, an uncomfortable silence here and there — but this was different. She could remember a time when Judy would hang on her every word and now here she was fully fucking ignoring her and making no effort to hide it. 

Maybe Judy was worried about something else. Obviously she had a life outside of her relationship with Jen — it could have been anything distracting her. She’d been complaining about the check engine light in her car for weeks. It could be work stress. Someone’s dad’s shitty painting? Maybe not that, but it could have been anything. 

She grimaced. Why the fuck would Judy be concerned about her car in Mexico? Jen was painfully aware that her rationalizations were veering into desperate territory.

This whole situation was ridiculous. She was a grown woman. _Judy_ was a grown woman, but sure enough both of them were still dancing around the elephant in the room because Jen had gone and hurt her own feelings and Judy was... well, Jen wasn’t a mind reader but the thinly-veiled anger was hard to miss.

Jen watched as Judy spoke to Liam, her hand on his shoulder. It was an exhausting feeling, the jealousy, this empty, gnawing despondency. More than that, it was _pathetic_ , which only made Jen feel worse. She’d felt it with Ted when his affections became more and more infrequent — being unwanted, _lacking_ somehow. 

This time it was Jen’s fault. She thought about the way Judy would look at her — the knowing glances when Jen was being unreasonable, the warm half-smiles, the lighthearted playfulness and incontestable tenderness of it all. Though it pained her to admit it, so much of Jen’s self-assured act was just that; an act. Even on the days where it felt like the entire world was conspiring against her in some sick fucking joke and her insecurities threatened to bubble over, she’d never had to question her place in Judy’s life. All she had to do was look over to Judy, sat up with her laptop helping Henry with his algebra homework or snuggled in a throw blanket with a thick book and a glass of wine, and she knew that there was someone on her side. Someone who knew the ugliest, most disgusting parts of her and loved her in spite of them. 

Now Judy seemed to look right through her as if all Jen was to her was a painful reminder of something she’d rather forget. Living, breathing evidence of a _mistake_ . All Judy ever did was _give_ and Jen was never satisfied — had to keep taking until she’d taken too much, crossed the line, and burned it all down. It should have been enough. 

Jen loved like she was deconstructing it somehow, tearing it apart until it was something deformed, something gruesome. It was how she’d lost Ted — the fear becoming anger, violent and destructive. She didn’t know how to be soft, how to hold something delicate without shattering it. She’d never learned to let go, only to pick the shards from her palms and dress the wounds. 

Michelle, she figured, was like Judy; she was younger than both of them, kindhearted and beautiful with a skeleton-free closet. Of course Judy had her crosses to bear, but one was mostly Steve’s doing and the other was Jen’s. Judy always ended up collateral damage in the end and she _deserved_ this — this thing with Michelle that was easy and good. The very thing Jen had decided to inject herself into like fucking _poison_ because seeing Judy truly happy for the first time wasn’t good enough. Her own life with Judy and the boys, the life they’d fought so hard to protect, just hadn’t been fucking _good enough_. 

She knew she had to fix this somehow, but she had no idea where to start. Once again, Jen was stuck in a mess of her own making, fumbling in the dark in search of an exit she wasn’t even sure existed. ‘Fucking idiot,’ she thought, ‘You _selfish_ fucking idiot.’

* * *

When they finally made it back to their room, Judy retreated into the bathroom to wash her face and Jen quickly changed into her pyjamas. Usually she’d be aching to sit out on the patio with a glass of wine or venture down to the beach with Judy to soak in the view. The stars were so bright here, painting the sky like maps, and it was one of the most beautiful things Jen had ever seen. There was too much light pollution back home to see the stars so clearly; they were always washed out. Erased entirely or dulled by the glow of city lights. Tonight, she just wanted to sleep. 

She reached for the hair tie on her wrist, realizing with a groan that she didn’t have one and Judy was still locked in the bathroom with Jen’s toiletries bag. Judy, on the other hand, had elected to keep everything save for her skincare regimen in her suitcase to avoid cluttering their small bathroom. Surely she wouldn’t mind if Jen borrowed one from her stash. 

Stepping over her discarded clothes, she made her way to Judy’s suitcase and unzipped it, her eyes lingering on a familiar neatly folded dress. It was the dress Judy had worn the night they went out dancing. She let out a trapped breath and lifted it with uncertain hands, her heart racing as she took it all in — the small wine stain on the bodice, the rip right down the centre. Memories flooded her mind and a wave of claustrophobia overtook her. She felt caged in; trapped, like she needed to claw her way out of her own skin, out of the shame. It felt like evidence — like the lipstick smear on her ribcage and the wine bottle on her end table. Definitive proof that what happened between them was more than just a fever dream. She’d touched Judy, tasted her on her fingers, and she didn’t know how she could ever forget what it felt like. 

“Jen?”

Jen froze, dropping the dress back into the suitcase and turning to face Judy, “I was looking for a hair tie,” she explained. 

Judy’s expression was puzzling — the trepidation was evident, but there was something else bubbling below the surface. Something almost hopeful. Jen couldn’t make sense of it. 

“Well, that’s not a hair tie,” she pointed out, wandering over to retrieve one from a small bag buried underneath her clothes. 

“I know,” Jen admitted, taking it from Judy’s hand and sliding it over her wrist. Judy was still scrutinizing her with that damn unreadable look, waiting expectantly for an explanation that Jen couldn’t provide. She wanted to break down, to apologize — fall to her knees and beg Judy to forgive her or something equally disgusting, but all she could do was stand there. 

By now, she’d dug herself a hole deep enough that there was no hope of climbing to safety. If she admitted the truth now, she’d only hurt Judy — only ruin the last chance she had to mend their tedious friendship. There were only so many times you could lie to someone and take it back before the foundation collapsed entirely, and Jen had already burned through all of her passes with Judy. With Ted and Steve, they were even, maybe, in some fucked up way. Jen had tipped the scales.

It wasn’t a malicious lie. After overhearing Judy’s conversation, Jen had tried to give her an out — if she pretended it hadn’t happened, they could both chalk it up to a drunken night and move on, dignity slightly battered but more-or-less unharmed by the whole ordeal. Clearly that wasn’t the case, but it was too late now to do anything but double down and hope for the best. 

“It’s torn,” she noted, “How’d you manage that?”

Something shifted in Judy. It wasn’t something Jen could interpret, more like an absence of emotion. Judy looked at her like a stranger. 

“I don’t remember.”


End file.
